There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
