i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
