My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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