so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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