The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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