i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
