youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
