hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
