Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
