I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
