ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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