Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
