What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
