Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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