So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
