I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
