You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
even my farts smell like vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
