my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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