I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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