So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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