I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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