I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
