Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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