bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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