Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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