Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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