Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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