theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
