Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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