I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
