That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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