I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
