is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
