Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
