matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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