I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
