I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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