Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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