Please, let me fuck your mom
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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