i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
