im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
