there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
