Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
