And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I deserve this hangover.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
