3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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