i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
