I think my fart just growled at me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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