She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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