idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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