I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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